


take you through the night

by peachsneakers



Series: flower petals [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Anaroceit, Blood, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Being Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Has Hanahaki Disease, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Has Tentacles, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, Intrulogical, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Violent Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:33:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25199311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachsneakers/pseuds/peachsneakers
Summary: When Remus starts coughing up flowers, he knows what he has. The problem is the object of his affections could never like him the way he is. Could he?(set in the same universe as"lost your light")
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Series: flower petals [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1842829
Comments: 183
Kudos: 398





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> lyrics are from alec benjamin "if i killed someone for you"

_I'm sorry that I did this, the blood is on my hands_   
_I stare at my reflection, I don't know who I am_

Remus stares down at the ragged edges of the dark blue flower petal he just coughed up. Blood still stains the furls. He doesn't recognize the flower, but he can sure tell what it's trying to say. He spits a mouthful of blood into the sink, staring at the messy splotches of red, like the world's most macabre Rorschach blot.

_Great_ , he thinks, with a long, jagged sigh. It hurts his throat, but he doesn't care, letting the lone flower petal flutter into the trash can by the sink. Only he and Janus ever use this bathroom, and he has his doubts that Janus will ever use it again, now that he's with Virgil and Roman. And he's happy for Janus, he really is, even if he _did_ get with Remus's brother, but it kind of sucks to see the happy ending when you know your own hanahaki journey is destined to end in you biting the big one.

Oh sure, maybe there's a way he can prevent _that_. But he has no idea how, especially by himself. He doesn't want to tell anyone. Janus would just fret, the memory of his own personal flower-strewn hell too fresh in his mind. And Logan...

Well, there's no way he can tell _Logan_ what's going on. Logan will want to know who it is, and Remus refuses to tell him. Not in this lifetime. Or the next, if he lives that long. Logan would never want to be with someone like _him_. He's too loud, too gross, too _much_. He gets blood and slime on the carpet, he makes Thomas lie awake some nights when his own thoughts won't go ahead and shut the fuck up, he wonders what it would be like to jump off the top of a skyscraper or roll out of a moving car on the freeway. He's the one who eats deodorant and chapstick and candles (he prefers the cinnamon-scented ones).

Logan is _good_. Logan is smart and inquisitive and drinks too much coffee and treats himself with Crofters jam when he's upset and he's not listened to as much as he should be (although the others have been working on that). Logan's hair sticks up in the back when he's just woken up, and sometimes his tie is crooked because he pulled another all-nighter and doesn't want to admit he never changed it. He deserves someone like- someone like _Patton_ , not someone like Remus.

Another coughing fit overtakes him and he spits a scant handful of blue petals into his hand. Shaking them off into the trash with a moue of distaste, he rinses his fingers off and dries them with a swatch of toilet paper. The reddish-stained TP joins the petals in the trash, and he's ready to face the day. Until the next time his throat itches, that is.

"Buttholes!" Remus tells his somber reflection, finger-gunning at the mirror and trying to pretend his eyes aren't filled with shadows. They have a meeting in thirty minutes and for once, he's actually invited. Not that he cares, he would have shown up anyway. _If only to look at Lo-_

_Whoa there,_ he thinks, pumping the brakes on the wistfulness starting to seep into his brain, like a quart of motor oil down his throat. _He does not like you. Remember? He probably hates you. You're just an- an inconvenience. A common cold. Gone before you know it._

They might accept him now, but is it genuine acceptance? Or begrudging tolerance? Remus doesn't know, and that terrifies him. Back when it was him and Janus against the world, he could tolerate it. But now- He swallows, his throat so dry it hurts. Now he'll be alone. And he can't stand being alone. He never has.

"Cheer up," his reflection advises him. "You look as wrecked as raccoon roadkill."

"Thanks," Remus says sourly. An idea slowly coalesces in his mind, making him run from the room to rummage around for paper and pencil. This would bear writing down, if only to cement it in his mind.

If Logan couldn't love him the way he was, maybe he could settle for the next best thing. Maybe Remus could change _himself_ , turn _himself_ into Logic's perfect boyfriend. He even had a few ideas already, pencil scratching across the paper as he wrote in messy chickenscratch, barely legible. 

_1\. Don't be gross. Eat regular food. (If you must eat other stuff, do it alone.)_

_2\. Don't be annoying. No interruptions, no hitting your brother (for now...), no picking on Patton._

_3\. Don't be intrusive. Keep your nasty thoughts to yourself. No one wants to hear them._

_4\. Don't be messy. Pick up after yourself always._

_5\. Don't be_ yourself.

He sets the list on his bedside table, where it blends in with all the other detritus cluttering it, and nods in resigned satisfaction, before leaving the room. 

As he does, his throat itches.


	2. Chapter 2

_Practice my confession in case I take the stand_   
_I'll say I learned my lesson, I'll be a better man_

Roman's arm slides around Janus's shoulders and he shivers deliciously at the contact. Despite himself, he still can't help but greedily soak in his boyfriend's warmth, leaning into Roman's chest and heaving a quiet, appreciative sigh. Roman gently squeezes his shoulders and Virgil slips up on them both, his hoodie soft and warm against Janus's arm.

"You ready?" Roman asks quietly. Janus nods, taking in another deep, fortifying breath. This will be the first side-wide meeting Janus has participated in, since his hanahaki disease has cleared up. His eyes involuntarily stray upward, to the framed pressed flowers. One red and one purple. The edges are still bloodstained. At first, he had protested keeping them, but Roman's romantic heart had quickly persuaded him. A memento of their love. It doesn't hurt to look at them anymore.

"Let's go," Virgil says, bumping his shoulder with his own. Janus grips each of their hands and lets them rise up, taking him with them. As always, it makes him dizzy, and he has to hold tight to Roman's hand for a brief, heart-stopping second.

"Virgil, Janus, Roman!" Thomas greets them with a warm, bright smile. "Good to see you." Thomas knows about their relationship, but not about the flowers that plagued Janus's lungs. He's not sure how to explain hanahaki disease to Thomas, that instead of being something fictional, it turned devastatingly real, and the others feel the same.

"A disgrace, as always," Janus purrs, making Thomas laugh.

"Where are the others?" He asks.

"Logan said that he would be along momentarily and Patton was cleaning up the kitchen," Roman answers. "I'm not sure where my brother is-"

"Here," Remus interrupts. Janus has to bite back a gasp at the sight of the other side. Perhaps he looks fine to the others, but Janus _knows_ him. The infinitesimal tremble of his fingers, the subtle pallid cast of his face, the quiver of his bottom lip- they all paint an unsettling picture, and one that Janus isn't sure how to interpret.

"Remus!" Thomas exclaims, just as warmly. "You aren't in the buff this time!" Remus winces, so quickly that only Janus seems to catch it.

"Gotta change it up, don't I?" He says, doing a tiny shoulder shimmy. "I thought I'd be the last one here."

"Nope, it seems not," Thomas says. "Sit down, all of you, this is just an ideas meeting after all." Janus perches on the sofa, surrounded by his loves, while Remus opts for a recliner. Instead of sprawling all over it like he usually does, he sits almost normally. Janus's eyes narrow in thought.

"Apologies for my tardiness," Logan says, rising up with Patton in tow. Patton beams at the rest of them, fiddling with his cardigan.

"It's fine, Logan," Thomas assures him. "We haven't even started yet."

As the meeting progresses, Janus's attention can't help but stray more and more toward Remus. He's unusually subdued, quiet even. The others don't seem to notice, except perhaps Logan, who gives him a penetrating glance or two. When they break for a snack, Remus even shoves a handful of pretzel sticks in his mouth instead of his usual fare of deodorant and garbage.

"I'm turning over a new sewage plant," he announces brightly, when his brother gives him a questioning look. Roman just scrunches his face in distaste, but Janus eyes him thoughtfully.

"Penny for your thoughts," Virgil whispers in his ear. Janus considers for a moment, watching Remus slouch in his chair, eyes roaming around the room.

"Later," Janus murmurs. Virgil gives him a concerned look. "I'm fine," he promises, giving Virgil a quick kiss on the jaw. "It's not about me." Curiosity flickers in Virgil's eyes, but he just nods, turning back to the others as the snack break ends.

_Something is wrong with Remus_ , Janus concludes, letting his thoughts drift back to Thomas and Roman's new idea. Virgil's light touch on one arm keeps him grounded, even as Roman presses a thigh against his. _Maybe he's upset about you leaving him,_ Janus's mind whispers. Guilt tastes sour in the back of his throat. He didn't _mean_ to leave Remus behind. He hopes that Remus understands that.

_I'll talk to him later maybe,_ Janus decides, relaxing against the back of the sofa. _Encourage him and tell him that he's always free to hang out with me. Maybe that will help._

Mind thus made up, Janus turns his full attention to Thomas, letting Remus stay on the back burner. For now.


	3. Chapter 3

_I did it all for him, so I felt nothing at all_   
_I don't know what he'll say, so I'll ask him when he calls_

As soon as Remus can excuse himself, he does, falling to his knees in the middle of his trashy bedroom. He coughs violently, the force feeling like it's going to crack all his ribs in half, as blood bubbles at his lips and he spits dark blue petals into one hand. It had _hurt_ , suppressing his cough the entire meeting, but he couldn't let it free. After what happened to Janus, everyone would know what was wrong, and he can't bear that. Not yet. He's only just begun to make himself better.

Getting up, he detours to the bathroom to throw out the flower petals, wash his hands, and rinse out his mouth. The tap water tastes like shit, but he swishes it around his mouth anyway, spitting it out in the sink until it runs clear.

Just in time, as he hears a hesitant knock on his bedroom door. Janus's knock. He hurries to the door, ripping it open and staring right into Janus's surprised eyes.

"Jan Jan!" He says exuberantly, then winces. Logan wouldn't like such flamboyant displays of affection. More subdued, he continues. "What's up?"

"Are you okay?" Janus bluntly asks. Remus nearly bites his tongue in half.

"I'm fine," he lies. Janus's gaze sharpens. _Shit_. Has Remus already forgotten that Janus can taste lies? Not even he can make himself believe he's actually doing all right. "Why?"

"You weren't acting like your usual self in the meeting," Janus says slowly.

"And that's a bad thing?" Remus asks, bitterness creeping into his tone before he can stop it. Janus's eyes widen in surprise and what looks like sympathy. He turns away from it, leaning against the door frame with exaggerated casualness. "I told ya in the meeting. I'm turning over a new sewer plant. That's all."

"You know you- you can talk to me about anything, right?" Janus says. Remus opens his mouth- whether to deflect or spill all, he's not sure- when his mind slips back to the framed flowers in the commons, still stained with Janus's blood. Pressed and framed, Janus's happy ever after. He shuts his mouth with a click.

"Of course I know!" He says brightly. "But it's all good, JJ, I promise!" The doubt doesn't leave Janus's mismatched eyes, but he turns to leave anyway.

"See you at dinner?" Janus asks over one shoulder.

"Of course!" Remus assures him, keeping his tone as light and airy as he can manage. It's harder than he expected. As soon as he can, he shuts the door, leaning against it and breathing heavily. Tears prick his eyes, but he sniffs them away angrily, refusing to let them ruin his eye makeup. It was harder than it looked to achieve that level of smudged to shit.

Another knock, vibrating the door in its frame. Remus scowls, yanking it open.

"Janus, I'm f-" he starts to say, the words dying in his throat. Logan stands there in the open doorway, adjusting his tie. His eyes are nervous behind his glasses.

"As you can see, I'm not Janus," Logan states. Remus swallows- a difficult proposition when his throat feels dryer than a desert in summertime- and nods.

"What- what did you want?" He croaks out.

"You were behaving rather differently in the meeting," Logan says, clearing his throat. "I wondered why."

"Did- did you hate it?" Remus asks, hating himself for asking, but unable to stop the words from slipping out. Logan frowns in thought.

"I did not hate it, no," Logan says. "But it is unusual for you to behave in such a way." Some part of Remus, deep down inside, shatters at those words. _I did not hate it..._

"Just trying something new!" Remus lies airily. "That's all!" Logan's forehead creases as he stares at Remus, but he either assumes Remus is telling the truth or doesn't care to pursue it further, because he nods and pushes his glasses up with one finger.

"I- I hope that we shall enjoy your company at dinner," Logan says stiffly. Remus nods, feeling like he's a bobblehead on a pogo stick.

"Sure!" He chirps. "See you then!"

Before the door's fully shut, he's dashed into the bathroom, muffling his cough into his fist and spitting blood and crumpled blue petals on the floor.


	4. Chapter 4

_Would you love me more if I killed someone for you?  
Would you hold my hands? They're the same ones that I used_

Logan isn't sure what prompts him to enter Remus's bedroom. Perhaps it's the fact that he didn't close the door all the way. Logan's sure there's an entirely reasonable explanation, but that still doesn't explain why he feels so drawn to tiptoe through the gap the door's left.

Horrible, wretched coughs emanate from the bathroom and dread coils at the base of Logan's spine as he hurries forward, drawn unerringly to the rectangle of pale light. That coughing sounds terrifyingly familiar. 

Sure enough, he staggers in the door frame just in time to see Remus cough up a blood-soaked clump of flower petals, landing with a meaty splat on the floor. Remus is hunched and miserable, his face pallid with horror as he lifts his gaze to meet Logan's.

"I-" He stammers. Logan stares down at the bloodied flower petals and frowns, a sudden lump coming to his throat. The blood makes it harder to tell what the color is (he's nearly positive, after all, that Remus is not in love with Virgil), but if he's not mistaken, the petals currently occupying a bloodied tile are blue. And blue means-

"Patton?" Logan whispers. Remus's eyes widen, bloodshot and swollen. Logan can't tell what the emotions flickering across his face mean, but he's sure they're nothing good. "You- you're in love with Patton?"

"I-" Remus's mouth works, seemingly unable to form words. Perhaps he is ashamed that he's been found out, Logan's mind helpfully supplies. He feels sick inside and he's not sure why.

"You need to tell him," Logan says. "He- he deserves to know that you-" He pauses for breath. "That you love him," he finishes, his words like a cold, leaden lump in the pit of his stomach. Remus looks down, saying nothing. Logan's throat hurts.

"You should tell him," Logan repeats. He remembers warning Janus that if he didn't tell, Logan would 'spill the beans' for him. He can't make himself say the words this time. Besides, Remus has always been known for speaking his mind. Logan's sure that he'll have no issue explaining the truth to Patton.

And Patton- well, he doesn't know how Patton feels now about the creative side. At one point, he feared him. Could that still be the case? Logan doesn't think so. There is no reason to fear Remus, after all. Not a vibrant, outrageously honest, stunningly creative, impossibly attractive-

Logan swallows. Oh no. 

It can't be. It can't be, but he's terrified that it is as he looks down at Remus's bent head and sagging shoulders, sequins glittering in the bathroom light. He has- has _feelings_ for him. Feelings that can never, ever be reciprocated, not when Remus has hanahaki disease because of _Patton_. He could never confuse the issue by speaking up, could never hurt Remus's happiness (or Patton's, for that matter!) like that.

"I'll see you at dinner," he says woodenly and turns to go. A tug on his pants leg stops him short. He glances down to see Remus staring up at him, eyes enormous and red-rimmed.

"Please don't tell anyone," Remus whispers, his voice shaking. "Please-"

"I won't," Logan finds himself promising. He damns himself for it. Patton deserves to know. "I promise." What looks like gratitude crosses Remus's face.

"Thank you," he mumbles. "I- I swear I'll explain- sometime- just not-"

"It's fine," Logan reassures him. "Don't worry about it, Remus. Just concentrate on getting better." Foolish platitudes, like Remus can even _get_ better without informing his love. He doesn't know what else to say, though.

"Dinner," Remus breathes out, in agreement with Logan's earlier statement. "I- I'll be there."

"All right," Logan says. 

When he leaves, he gently closes the door all the way behind him. The snick of the doorknob feels like a death knell.


	5. Chapter 5

_Just let me explain, no, I wouldn't tell you lies  
_ _I know you'll understand if you let me stay the night_

Remus slouches into dinner a fashionable ten minutes late. His throat aches, and he's not sure if it's from the hanahaki disease or Logan's misunderstanding. _Why didn't you say something?_ He berates himself, slumping into his chair between Janus and Logan. Of course he sits next to Logan. Patton's across the table, serving himself a generous helping of lasagna. Logan clears his throat, his gaze subtly sharpened in Patton's direction. Remus knows what that means.

He cheerfully ignores it as he starts to gnaw on the deodorant Patton thoughtfully left at his plate. It's some flowery scent, one that he normally wouldn't be able to stand, but he doesn't care right about now. Anything is better than the painful silence on his right.

"Would you like some lasagna, Remus?" Patton asks. 

"Sure," Remus croaks. His throat itches. Patton gives him a hefty helping, splattering it on the plate. It reminds Remus uncomfortably of blood. Normally he would enjoy that. It's hard to enjoy blood when you're so busy coughing it up.

"Remus?" Logan asks. "Are you all right?"

"Peachy," Remus says. "Like butts!" His brother crinkles his nose, and Remus relaxes infinitesimally at the sight. Just another ordinary day, that's all. Another day full of him being inappropriate at dinner, Roman reacting to it, and-

He freezes. Oh no. No, no, no. He's supposed to be _different_. He's supposed to be _good_. It's bad enough that Logan thinks he's in love with Patton, but what will happen if he learns the truth and Remus is still like- like _this_?

As if his thoughts have triggered it, he hunches in his chair, a cough tearing explosively from his throat and spraying his clenched fist with drops of blood. Flower petals catch in his teeth, filling his mouth with the taste of blood and botany. Through ringing ears, he can hear exclamations of horror and worse, _understanding_. Tears prick his eyes before he sniffs them back.

"Remus?" It's Janus, his voice gentler than Remus has ever heard, like he's speaking to a baby bird, fallen from the nest and surrounded by hungry foxes. "Do you- Is it-"

"Yes," he admits, unwilling to hear the words out in the open. When he sneaks a peek at the rest of the table, Patton's mouth has fallen open in shock and his brother is paler than he is. "I'm sorry-"

"You have nothing to apologize for," Janus says. One of his gloved hands rests on Remus's hand, soft and heavy and warm. Remus basks in the security the contact provides, refusing to look in Logan's direction.

"Are you going to tell him?" Logan asks. Remus swallows hard, feeling the ache in his throat swell and blossom. 

"I can't," he whispers. 

"It's okay," Patton reassures him. His eyes are wide and soft behind his glasses. "I'm sure that no matter who it is, they'll understand."

_Doubt that,_ Remus thinks. Logan might as well be a statue beside him. Patton looks between the both of them, understanding lighting his eyes.

"Remus?" Patton asks gently. Remus looks up, feeling like he's drowning. "Do you want to tell us something?" Logan shifts restlessly next to him.

"It's Pat-" Logan starts to say, just as Remus blurts it out.

"It's Logan," he says, squeezing his eyelids tightly shut, waiting for the condemnation. 

"Remus-" Logan begins to say, his voice harsh, but Remus has had enough. He jumps up, his chair clattering to the floor, as he sinks out, ignoring the others calling after him.

_He'll never love you,_ pounds in his ears as he stumbles across his room, sinking to the floor and staring at his list.

_Don't be yourself._ A bitter laugh tears free. He's failed that royally, hasn't he? And now Logan will never want to be with him. Oh, he's sure Logan will let him down gently. It's in his nature. Hell, maybe he'll try to get Remus to love Patton instead. But it doesn't work that way. It could never work that way. Patton's great, but he's not _Logan_.

"I am so fucked," he says aloud, resting his head against his bed and closing his eyes. 

A knock sounds on his door.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and so we reach the end :)

_I followed your direction, did everything you asked  
I hope it makes you happy 'cause there's just no turning back_

It's Patton.

Remus's eyes widen in surprise when the door creaks open, revealing the moral side on the other side. He smiles a little awkwardly, peering around the messy room, before his eyes land on Remus, still crumpled by the bed.

"Can I come in?" Patton asks gently. Remus nods, not speaking. Patton shuffles in, closing the door behind him and picking his way across the room to settle next to Remus on the floor.

"So," Patton says, breaking the silence. "Can you explain why Logan's convinced that it's me you're in love with?" 

"He saw me cough up flowers," Remus croaks out. "He uh- he saw the blue and misunderstood, I guess." Patton nods in understanding, a sad smile crossing his face.

"Logan's pretty easy to love, isn't he," he comments. Remus glances at him and he laughs. "I'm not in love with him. I just- well, he's a very dear friend. Who can be very stubborn sometimes." He sighs. "He thinks you didn't want to tell the truth."

"I did," Remus blurts out, like viscera erupting from an open wound. "It's him, I _know_ it's him, I-" Patton holds a gentle hand up, stalling the onslaught of words.

"I know," he says softly. "But apparently Logan doesn't." Remus stares down at his lap, clearing his throat. It burns.

"You know," Patton continues, leaning his head against the bed. "I don't think it's as unrequited as you think it is." Remus jerks in surprise, staring at him with wide, red-rimmed eyes. Patton smiles, unperturbed. "It's true," he says. "I think you two should talk."

"He won't want to talk to me," Remus protests. "He-" _hates me_ dies in his throat. The grubby list feels like a burning brand.

"Then why did he follow me down here?" Patton persists. Remus pauses, staring at the door. 

"He did?" He whispers. Patton nods.

"He's very anxious to talk to you, I think," Patton says. "And I think it's more than time you two actually _talk_."

"Thanks," Remus says before he can think better of it. Patton's smile widens a little.

"You're welcome," he says, levering himself to his feet and opening the door. Logan stands stiffly on the other side, hands fidgeting in front of him.

"I'll see you two later," Patton says, sweeping past Logan.

"You can come in," Remus says, when Logan shows no sign of moving. Startled, Logan eases his way into the room, finally deciding to perch on the edge of Remus's bed. His eyes alight on the one piece of paper Remus never wanted him to see.

"What's that?"

"Nothing," Remus says quickly, snatching at the paper, but Logan's too fast for him, snagging it and holding it aloft.

"'How to make Logan give a fuck about me'," Logan reads slowly aloud. His eyes skim the paper, growing more and more distressed, until Remus feels like throwing up. "Do you- do you think that you need to do these things in order for me to care about you?"

"...Yes?" Remus breathes his reply, confused. "I- I know I'm too gross and too loud and too annoying, you- you even said you liked me trying to act like a normal human being at the meeting, I thought you-"

"I like you for _you_ ," Logan interrupts him, breathing harshly. The paper crumples in his hand. "Remus, you- I said that I did not hate it because if you genuinely wanted to change your behavior for some reason, then I am fully ready to support you in doing so. But not- not because you think you need to change for _me_."

"What?" Remus asks blankly. Logan sighs, before plopping down on the floor next to him, turning to face him. One hand reaches out, resting on top of Remus's.

"I like you just the way you are," Logan enunciates carefully. "I- was Patton right? Was it- is it actually for- for me?"

"It's always been you," Remus says, without thinking. Red spreads across Logan's cheeks like flood waters.

"I _love_ you just the way you are," Logan clarifies. "I don't think that you're too gross or too loud or too annoying or too much or- or anything else. And I damn well don't want you listening to this- this _list_ about how I'll give a fuck about you, because I already do." Remus's eyes widen, hearing Logan actually say _fuck_. 

"R-really?" He stammers. His throat feels like it's on fire.

"Yes," Logan says, his eyes bright with determination. "You're very important to me."

"Intrusive thoughts and all?" Remus asks. Logan nods.

"It was important to find ways for Thomas to calm down," Logan says. "But that never meant anything about how I personally view _you_. You're more than just your intrusive thoughts. You're creativity. You're spontaneity. You're imagination, in its wildest form, and I- I love it. I love _you_."

Remus opens his mouth to reply when the ache in his throat reaches critical mass. He jackknifes in half, a brutal coughing fit shaking his shoulders and filling his mouth with blood-soaked flower petals. Over the force of his coughing, he can hear Logan's noises of alarm, but he can't focus on them, can't focus on _anything_ , but the pain in his chest and his throat, like his chest is about to unflower and reenact the chest bursting scene from _Alien_. 

"Breathe," Logan pants into his ear. Remus holds tight to the sound of his voice like a lifeline, heaving so hard spots blossom in front of his eyes. "Breathe, Remus, it will be all right, just breathe-"

But he _can't_ breathe and it's with a sickening wrench that he coughs up- _throws_ up- a whole flower, thorn-studded roots and all. It lands on the floor with a gentle splat, speckled in blood and glistening in the dim light. He doesn't recognize the type of flower off the top of his head. He wonders dimly if Logan does.

"Morning glory," Logan says softly, as if he's read Remus's thoughts. "How fitting." Remus cranes his head around, ready to ask why, when he stops dead, wonder blooming in his eyes.

"It's gone," he whispers. "I- There's no more flowers."

"I thought so," Logan says. "It's very like Janus."

"Why are morning glories fitting?" Remus interrupts. Logan smiles slightly.

"They symbolize duality," Logan says. "Unrequited love and love meant to last an eternity."

"Oh," Remus says. "Can I kiss you?" He blurts out. Logan's eyes light up.

"Please," he says.

Remus does exactly that, his lips near-bruising against Logan's, his hands curling in Logan's lapels. He can still taste blood, knows that Logan can, too, but it doesn't matter, not when they're real and alive and together, and no stupid flowers or stupid list can stand in their way.

He's burning the list first chance he can, he thinks, dazed, as Logan threads a hand through his rumpled hair and kisses him back.

The flower, though.

Maybe he'll take a leaf out of Janus's book. The flower can stay.

After all, eternal love has quite a nice ring to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> flower meaning found from here: https://www.cityflowers.co.in/blog/meaning-types-blue-flowers/


End file.
